We just watched Crank: High Voltage. I should have known better. Any movie with a tag line like, “He was dead… but he got better,” is bound to be a failure of epic proportions.
I guess I was hoping that Jason Statham might bring something new to the table. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
I’m honestly still trying to figure out what exactly the fuck it was that I just saw over the course of the past two hours. High Voltage is, without question, one of the strangest movies that I have ever seen. It was so chopped together, so disconnected, and so random at points that I found myself literally saying, “What the fuck is going on?” out loud during several scenes. I did laugh my ass off a couple of times… but not because the movie was funny. I was laughing because it was fucking terrible in ways that I didn’t think were even possible.
There was one redeeming point in this movie, however. Amy Smart spends a good chunk of time topless. That’s nothing to complain about.
I saw the first Crank in theaters.
You know the part where they fuck in front of those asians, and Amy Smart’s breast becomes exposed?
Yeah, I didn’t see it. Some fucker with a fat head in front of me sat up and his head perfectly blocked my view of her tit. His head was the perfect size and shape so that I could see everything else on the screen, except for the tit. I was sooo fucking mad.
He rails on her for a good five minutes on a horse track in this one. You get plenty of both boobs.
The whole movie is basically non-stop lewdness, violence and weirdness. You’re not supposed to take a cerebral approach and attempt to internalize the subtle intricacies of the movie’s plot structure… you’re supposed to say, “Hey, that guy just got shot in the face! Awesome!”
It’s a movie that know perfectly well what it is and plays on it, and then exaggerates, and then blow everything completely out of proportion.
A friend coined a term for movies like this, “Beer-flicks”.
It’s the kinda moviee you sit down on a lazy sunday with some friends and a sixpack of beer and just laugh and loudly comment at it. Pretty much anything with Arnold Schwarzenegger falls into this category automatically. It’s entertainment in its purest simplest form.
And Crank my friend, is a masterpiece beer-flick. It has everything. A super simple plot that allows the main character to cause a lot of mayhem, a badass and entertaining main actor, lots of sex and violence, and crazy humor.
I know exactly what kind of movie you guys are talking about. I really do. This movie doesn’t even live up to that standard, though.
And yet based on that review I’m resolved to see it.
Be my guest. It’ll rot your brain.
The whole point of Crank High Voltage is to be ridiculous and over the top. I’m sorry that you went in expecting to see Dark Knight levels of seriousness..