Everyone knows about Craigslist. It’s one of the most popular websites in the world to post free classified ads. People use CL for everything from finding a used car to finding a Friday night quickie.

What everyone doesn’t know about Craigslist is that it can be a great place to get some pussy if you keep a simple adage in mind: One man’s whore is also another man’s whore. People sell their bodies on Craigslist for one of two reasons: they just want the money or they need money to buy drugs. Either way, that’s a good thing for you. Why? It’s simple.

Say, for example, that Jackie in California needs her next fix of meth. Her dealer is asking $50. The meth is fairly decent quality, but Jackie has no money since she blew it all on her last fix and some cell phone minutes. Now, let’s say you haven’t gotten any in a few months because your wife/girlfriend’s vagina has a humidity index akin to that of the Sahara. You see Jackie’s advertisement and you happen to know the corner she usually hangs out on. Here’s what you do:

1. Email Jackie. Explain to her that you want to meet up for a date near a shop on “her” corner. Do not offer to pay up front! It might be law enforcement pretending to be Jackie, so don’t just show them your cards!
2. For the love of Christ, buy some condoms. She’s a whore. If you’re feeling nice, you can pick up some polyurethane condoms in case she has a latex allergy. But beware! Intestinal-based condoms DO NOT protect against most sexually-transmitted diseases and should not be purchased as an anti-latex allergy solution.
3. If Jackie responds and expresses an interest in “going out on a date” with you, arrange to pick her up and make arrangements for a place to have your “date.” Your payment method is probably going to be cash. I once used PayPal, though. And, like all interactions with women, there is risk involved.
4. When you arrive at the corner, you have several options: Drive up to the corner and pick her up; park down the street, call her cell, and let her know where you are; or drive up to the curb, lay on the horn, and scream out the window “GET IN THE CAR, BITCH!” You may also want to brandish a firearm during this process to let her know you’re serious. The goal is obviously to get laid, but it is important to maintain the appearance of a dominant male.
5. Assuming you got her to the hotel room/your house/the back alley, then you can finally discuss payment options. Once you pay her, you are then free to do the deed. When you’re done, you can go back to that shallow, lonely feeling that accompanies being in a loveless marriage/relationship.

I’ve developed quite a talent for this over the years. One time I pulled up to the curb screaming obscenities whilst waving my double-barreled shotgun in the prostitute’s general direction. I then had to chase her almost two blocks while hanging out the driver-side window, calling her a worthless cunt the whole way. I finally managed to clock her in the back of the head with the stock of my shotgun and I tossed her into the bed of my truck. I would estimate that I’ve spent more than $2,000 just by paying these meth junkies to suck on my phallic member. I stick to a simple formula: Do it from behind. They never see your fist coming.

Gamma-HydroxyButyric acid comes in handy because It makes sure they don’t remember most of it! Just be sure you use it on HER, not yourself. Google suggests that it is most commonly slipped into drinks, so you might want to have some of those at your disposal. You may even want to target older women on the off chance that her kidneys aren’t up to the task, making it process that much quicker. This may enable you to negotiate the price down!

Be prepared to be turned down quite a bit when trying to do this. My success rate is usually one out of five or so. Lots of people are leery of a crazy man waving guns around while trying to pick up whores, especially law enforcement. Be patient – it pays off if you stick with it.