Category Archives: Movies

I’m going to cut straight to the chase on this one.

The Expendables is one of the worst movies ever made. Ever. Made. I am not exaggerating, here.

I don’t even know where to begin. There was no plot to speak of, the dialogue was a disjointed mess, the characters were paper thin, the action scenes were lame and vanilla, and there was a noticeable absence of hot women save for one annoying chick who couldn’t act her way out of a wet paper bag. What the fuck were they thinking when they grunted out this piece of retarded shit?

Seriously. This movie is a chaotic wreck. Neither Arnold Schwarzenagger nor Bruce Willis fit into the story at all – not to mention the fact that neither of them is in the movie for more than three minutes. Dolph Lundgren’s performance was a bad joke. Sylvester Stallone looked like some sort of mutant. Jason Statham was as one sided as he always is in his movies. Jet Li looked like he’s put on about sixty pounds. Randy Couture should never be allowed to act again and Terry Crews should know better than to associate his name with something as awful as this movie.

And don’t even get me started on Steve Austin or Mickey Rourke. Giant train wrecks.

I think the only redeeming quality of the entire film is Terry Crews’ automatic shotgun. I almost crapped my pants laughing a couple of times when he whipped that thing out. Then again, I may have just been laughing to keep from crying.

If you haven’t already seen this pile of hot mess, do yourself a favor and skip it. It’s not the homage to eighties excess that it was billed as. It’s a perversion of everything that makes a good action movie. I want my money back and I didn’t even pay to see it.