Mr. Pink: I’m pretty sure I get why babies cry when you change their diaper.
Mr. Pink: If I’d just shit in my pants and some giant dude picked me up, put me down on a table, ripped off my pants and shoved something cold in MY crack, I’d cry, too.
Mr. Pink: In fact, it seems a lot like prison now that I think about it.

Mr. Blue: We went to that strip club downtown last night.
Mr. Blue: I hid a whoopie cushion down the front of my pants.
Mr. Blue: I purchased a lap dance.
Mr. Blue: When she jumped up from my lap, I looked at her with disgust, stood up, and walked away.
Mr. Blue: Best $20 I’ve ever spent.

Mr. Black: She apparently took exception to being labeled, “The Big Easy” in my cell phone contact list.
Mr. Black: I’m not sure whether she’s mad for being called big or for being called easy.

Mr. Blue: I got kicked out of a Best Buy today.
Mr. Pink: What the hell? Why?
Mr. Blue: I drew cocks on all of the tablet PCs.

Mr. Pink: She’s just using you.
Mr. Blue: I’m OK with the parts of me that she’s using, though.
Mr. Pink: Fair enough.

Friend: I’d hit it like a Georgian luge slider.
Mr. Pink: You are a terrible person…
Mr. Pink: …for forcing me to laugh at that.

Friend: They should bottle my personality and sell it to people.
Mr. Pink: It’d be the best male contraceptive ever!
Friend: YOU ARE SUCH A DICK.

Friend: Tequila is the devil.
Friend: I woke up with poop in my kitchen sink, my pants are bloody but I’m not cut, the cat won’t come out from under the bed, somebody made cave art on the walls in my hallway with ketchup and honey, and my bicycle is on the roof of the garage.
Mr. Pink: Dude… somebody pooped in the kitchen sink?